September 7, 2013

Klout's Perks are trying to kill me?

By The Punk Patriot

So I use Klout.

Well. That is to say, I accidentally signed up for a Klout account because I had no fucking clue what Klout was at the time. They do that shitty thing where when you sign up, they spam all your friends to join klout as well-- and somebody I know and respect (who doesn't spam me with Farmville requests or other bullshit facebook apps) had joined-- and I was one of those friends who got spammed.

So I joined.

And I forgot about it.

But now apparently, I have perks. I have no idea why I have perks. Quite honestly, I still have no idea why Klout exists, or how it works, or what their business model is (I assume they are selling my data to advertisers.)

Well, so anyways, I got my first perk a week or so ago.


BARF! My "favorite McDonald's Menu Item?" That would be NONE OF THEM, because I DON'T EAT AT McDONALD's!

Klout's shitty perks must drive people to binge drink, because this is the alcoholic lifestyle-enabling perk that just popped into my inbox today:


Great. So Klout is encouraging me to eat shitty and binge drink-- hangover free! My imagination reels with excitement trying to figure out what will come next. A coupon for 10% off a sand-filled pseudo-meat wrap from Taco Bell? $20 off my next diamond purchase? A free sample of meth? A kick to the shins that I have to pay $10 for?

Are there any experienced Klout users out there? Do the perks ever become things that people who live healthy lives could actually use? Or is it just a Mardi Gras parade of shit, where we take off our shirts and show them our browsing data, and they in return throw cheap-ass plastic necklaces at us as a reward?