June 3, 2008

Hillary Clinton Controls Crucial 'Very Stupid' Demographic

AP June 3, 2008

New York-- Hillary Clinton gave an enthusiastic speech to cheering fans and supporters in New York City at Baruch University today. Despite Obama sewing up the nomination, Hillary is pressing on with her campaign, much to the delight of her supporters.

"I'm as gay as the day is long, and if Hillary doesn't win the nomination, I'm voting for John McCain." said Jake. When asked why he would support either candidate noting that neither McCain nor Clinton support gay marriage, Jake stared blankly.
"Hillary Clinton is the only hope we have. The media hates her, save us Hillary, save us!" said Jake after a moment's pause.

Another Hillary Clinton supporter, Joy, shared her views as well. When asked why she supports Hillary, Joy's response was enthusiastic.

"Health care! She's the only one who wants to make sure that everybody gets universal health care! The Private Interests have had control for too long!"

Joy, like many very stupid people, has no grasp of Hillary Clinton's health care plan, which mandates by law that people purchase health insurance from a private insurance firm whether they can afford it or not.

The very stupid vote has been cornered by Hillary Clinton, which she acknowledges openly. Said Clinton, "Obama simply cannot win the White House without support from uneducated people who don't understand our platforms, or how goverment programs affect their day-to-day lives. These people are stupid and angry, they've got no grasp of policy. By pretending that I'm like them, I've managed to fool them into thinking my candidacy would benefit them in some way. Obama hasn't been able to do this, and the superdelegates need to realize we won't win in November without the support of very stupid people."

As it turns out she may be right. Very stupid people control nearly 60% of the voting population. Since they do not have any grasp of government affairs, their votes are based entirely on emotional impulse, making this demographic a wild card. Further complicating things for strategists-- many very stupid people are too apathetic, or simply lack the directional skills to find their way to the polls on election day-- making them the ultimate swing vote.

Seizing on this, Hillary Clinton has been extremely successful in getting out the very stupid vote. Her campaign has done remarkable work assigning one campaign employee to each voter to take them by the hand and lead them to the polls on election day. This of course has cost the campaign deeply, leading Hillary Clinton to be forced to donate $14 million of her own money to her campaign.

"We weighed the risk of letting Hillary donate from her own personal bank account to her campaign shattering her well groomed image of being a working class citizen, but thankfully, the very stupid voters didn't even notice." said campaign strategist Amy Horsfallon.

"They also don't notice that it's been impossible for Hillary to win the nomination for nearly a month, so luckily we've been able to keep the campaign going strong. You sometimes hear the expression in this field, 'It's like herding cats.' But it's not with this crowd. It's a lot like herding sheep," she continued.

Hillary Clinton has made no decisions as when to end her race for the white house, and may run her campaign till November of 2012.

(this is parody)